Monday, 9 January 2012

The Seven Wunders o' the Ulster Scots Wurld.

Small man, big stain
Ah hid occasion fur til putt doon me usual Newsletter (official organ o' the Ulster Scot) an' peruse the Belfast Telegraf the o'er day, an' was maist interested til see thit they are havin' a vote as to whit wud be the tap yin  o' the "Seven Wunders o' Nairthern Ireland".  Sae far we hiv such wunders as "Belfast Taxis", naminated by Jim McDonald frae Coronation Street, who Ah thunk was in jail, an' Glenarrif, naminated by the poverty struck SDLP heid yin, Alasdair McDonnell. "The Glens," he says, "chase politics from my mind." Clearly he is spennin' tae much time in them.  Anyhow the raison Ah was interested is that Ah had been givin' some thocht til a similar list o' Ulster Scots Wunders, an hiv duly perused the original Seven Wunders o' the Ancient Wurld fur inspiration. Thesuns appear til be....

  • The Hangin' Gardens o' Babylon
  • The Statue o' Zeus at Olympia
  • The Colossus o' Rhodes
  • The Lighthouse at Alexandria
  • The Temple o' Artemis at Ephesus
  • The Mausoleum o' Halicarnassus
  • The Great Pyramid o' Giza.
Surely now, Ah thunk, there is nae mair interesting, ancient an' civilised folk than the Ulster Scot. We are boun' til be able tae match thy'on, an' thus Ah am able til offer yis a new poll on.......

The Seven Wunder's o' the Ulster Scots Wurld. 

Wunder Yin: The Hanging Swings o' the Ards Penisula

Themuns in Babylon seem til have fancied their horticultural skills, but ye can bet they'd hiv nathin' til compare til the swings at Cloughey or indaid the dual play park combination boasted by Portavogie. (There is yin behine the Chinese, an' yin at the far end near the pubic convenience.) Even Ballyhalbert has a fine playpark an' it disnae saim til have any folk livin' it. An Ballywalter has tennis coorts. Nebuchadnezzar ma arse. 

Wunder Twa: The Statue o' King Billy at Carrickfergus.

And lo' the guid folk o' Ulster didst decide fur til erect a statue o' King Billy, yin that wud commemorate the 300th anniversary o' the Glorious Revolution an' his majesty landin' in their fair town, yin that would reflect the great man's martial skills an' inspire local an' tourist alike. However they hadnae any money so they stuck up a wee totty one o' him thit yid hardly notice an' appears til have Billy lukkin intil the coach park. 

Wunder Three: The Colossus o' Prods:

Also knain as Sammy Wilson. Red o' cheeks, amusin' o' hair, crap at sums an' bare o' bum. There can be nae other, an' nor shud there be.

Wunder Four: The Shitehouse o' the Craigavon.

The o'er surt are mad fur sleggin' aff the auld Goverment o' Nairthern Ireland, gittin' on aboot Gerry Manderin' an' "Unionist Misrule." However the real reason the auld goverment was shite is that they invented Craigavon. Even the maist blind o' toon planners cud hiv seen thit combining twa medium sized shiteholes in Lurgan an' Portadown wud oany result in yin giant shitehole, albeit yin wi the maist impressive selection o' inspirationally named roundabouts in the western hemisphere. 

Wunder Five: The Temple o' Arsemis at Belfast.

Alsae knain as Martyrs Memorial Free Presbytron Church. Fur years the guid folk o' Ulster could flack til hear the preachin' o' Arsemis hissel, but he has retired now, til be replaced wi' a similarly mental heid yin, but nat yin that Ah can either mine the name o', or be arsed lukkin' up.

Wunder Six: The Pauseoleum o' Stormont:

At the Great Pauseoleum o' Stormont, brief flurries o' activity are interspersed wi' lang periods o' nat spakin' til each o'er. OK Ah was strugglin' here fur somethin' that sounded similar an' this was the best Ah cud dae. 

Wunder Seven: The Great Parade at Scarva

There can be few o'er cultures in the wurld that have anythin' til compete wi' the momentous occasion that is the 13th at Scarva. Where else wud thousans o' folk gather fur til watch a lock o' men in suits danderin' alang behine a rake o' half cut bands playin' hymns on flutes? Where else wud news raiders make the same joke on an annual basis aboot who wud win a sham ficht before handin' o'er til Angie wi' the weather. Wi' a range o' stalls an' burger vans unsurpassed in the civilized wurld the inherent Wunderfulness o' the Great Parade shud be clear til yin an' all. 

There, a half arsed list o' interestin' cultural tourist attractions allowin' yis til vote as yis see fit. Sure it is better than the yin in the Telegraph, an' ye dinnae hiv til raid a rake o' shite writ by some celebrity.

Friday, 6 January 2012

Histry o' the Ulster Scots Bit 15 - The Plantation o' Ulster

Nae movement frae the goverment oan the issue o' lack o' Ulster based events at the Olympics, so it is back til oor Rasin Deter an' a wee bit o' Histry......

The Death o' the Virgin Queen.

In the last Bit o' oor complex histry o' the Ulster Scots Spakin Peoples, we lukked at how the Refarmation invented Pratestants an', in daein' sae, put an end til Religious division fur iver. Howiver all was not yit well in the Ulster Scots garden, fur Free State fenians still controlled the island o' Ireland, an' wi' it the hameland o' the hamely folk themselves. Fur upwards o' ages Ulster Scots had foun' theyselves exiled til the mainland, forced for til be misunderstood an' shunned by English folk, or live in Scotland, which is caul. Oany a few were able til cling oan til the sacred Ulster territory in an aroun' Nairth Antrim,an' up the Ards. This was all til be rectified when Queen Elizabeth I the Queen Mother died wi'oot havin' any weans fur she was a virgin like Mary in the Bible. Wi nae weans til inherit the throne, the English were forced fur til luk fur a new King, North o' the border up Edinburgh way.

The House of Stewart

Unable til fine a king o' their ain ilk, the English therefore approached the King o' Scotland til see if he fancied the jab. The King o' Scotland at the time was a guid Pratestant by the name o' James Six, an' he duly tuk the throne o' England as well, takin' the title James Sixanfirst. It is important at this junction til note that James Sixanfirst shud in nae way be confussed wi' his Grandwean James Second. James Sixanfirst was a Loyal Pratestant, whereas James Second was the Free State king whit King Billy knacked the pan in af. 

As if til prove his Loyal Pratestant credentials, the first thing King James Sixanfirst did was til write the Bible, in daein' sae creatin' the Bible believin' Pratestant. Wi'oot his King James Bible, there wud be nae wee leaflets fur boys still han' oot at the tap o' the town while an o'er auld boy gulders intil a microphone aboot Satan an' the Gays an' bein' born o'er agin an' the like. Mind that next time ye join the throng o' folk listenin' til such lectures, ye hiv James Sixanfirst til thank fur such spectacles. 

The Plantation o' Ulster.

As if inventin' the Bible wasnae enough, James Sixanfirst set about devisin' a plan whereby the Ulster Scot cud cast aff the Free State yoke an' reclaim the occupied 9 counties, fur that was his plan. In order til achieve this he first o' all giv Counties Antrim an' Down til a man called Hamilton Montgomery, who proceeded til bring Ulster Scots folk back o'er in boats frae Scotland an' gie them houses an' the like fur til live in, thus plantin' people raither than trees oor the like, an' gien us the wurd Plantation. 

Wi' Monaghan similarly lukkin' after itsel, James hissel preceded til plant Ulster Scots folk in the o'er six counties, alang wi a rake o' English folk he hoped wud be converted til Ulster Scotsness at some future date. (Tae a certain extent this has been achieved now, yid hardly knae the Ulster English existed, fur they dinnae git any grants.). In maist cases the land was giv til rich boys called Undertakers, whit pramised fur til build toons, cassles an' churches an' bring o'er Ulster Scots. The oany different county was County Coleraine, which was giv til folk frae London, an renamed County Londoncoleraine. 

The Legacy o' the Plantation o' Ulster

(Ye cannae dae somethin' aboot the plantation wi'oot daein' aboot the legacy or ye willnae git a grant)

  • New towns - The Stewarts built Newtownstewart an' Stewartstown, Mr Cunningham built Newtowncunningham, Sir Jimmy Saville built Newtownsaville, an' Sir Ards built Newtownards. The London Companies built many new towns, including Londonderry, Londonderrylin, Londonbalinderry, Londonderrygonnelly an' London. 
  • New inventions - The Ulster Scots folk are wild good at inventin'. Once back oan hame soil they set aboot inventin' farms, roads, Black Bush, Harland an' Wolff, Orange Halls, Larne-Stranraer ferries an' the Newsletter. 
  • New recreational pursuits - Even in their spare time the Ulster Scots invented stuff. Fur example they invented new religions by fallin' oot wi' eacho'er aboot wee totty things an' leavin fur til start their ain churches. They alsae invented rack an' roll an' bred wi eacho'er in order til make sure thit America had enough Presidents.
  • Wars - Now that the Ulster Scots had a hameplace they were able fur til laiv it an' ficht wi' eacho'er. This they mainly did in the America. Thus taeday we are able fur til boast that we were both Revolutionary an' Loyal in the American War o' Independence, burned Washington an' put the fire oot in the War o' 1812, kept slaves an' freed them in the US Civil War an' both fought an' made friends wi' the Red Indians. Jays wi'oot the Ulster Scot the Americans wud be hard pushed fur til find somebody til ficht wi'. 
  • Whit was the reaction o' the o'er surt? - On the hole the o'er surt were happy fur they hid new towns fur til dae their shappin' in an' sign oan. 

Sunday, 1 January 2012