Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Dissident Ulster Scots threat level raised.

Paliticians an' security experts were last night digestin' the statement issued oan behalf o' the Nine County Saverignty Committee at the 95th Annual Easter Egg Hunt in Poyntzpass. The self styled "Real Ulster Scots Agency" split aff from the mainstream organisation in protest at their acceptance o' peaceful means in the quest to reunify Ulster, bringin' the occupied 3 counties back unner the crown. Like their dissident Repubican counterparts, the Real USA is mainly composed o' inbred rural types, the surt o' folk who lean against walls starin' at ye when ye drive past, use a tractor tae go shappin' an' get their haircut by their sister. Anyway, whilst in no way condonin' their views, Ah publish their statement below.

Statement on behalf o' the Nine County Saverignty Committee.

We the Army Council o' the Nine County Saverignty Committee, call fur the immediete withdrawal o' Free State troops frae the occupied counties o' Danegal, Managhan, an' Cavan. Fur tae long the folk o' these counties hiv bin mauled by the so-called Celtic Tiger, forced fur til buy bainne insteid o' milk, get stuck in traffic when themuns go til church, an' go to the swings on a Sunday. We reject the demands o' constitutional unionists, the pratestant churches an' the Orange Order demandin' that we fally exclusively peaceful means, an' are lukkin' intil gettin' a gun. Wullie Jameson reckons he has a few auld ones stuck somewhere in his rafters an' he'll loan us them fur a bit..

Ulster Scots livin' in the three counties who turn traiter til the cause, by atin' the wrang surt o' Tayto, drivin' Opels instied o' Vauxhalls oor buyin the Irish editions o' the papers, will be regarded as legitimate targets. It is fur us til decide where the border shud be, based oan a romantic 19th century view o' nationhood, nat the democratic process, so yousuns can all get til feck. 

We alsae reject the Queen's visit til the Free State, fur she has nae business goin' there. She is oor Queen. an' she'd be better aff goin' til the Twelfth.

God Save the Queen.

The Nine County Saverignty Committee. 

There ye hiv it. Ah attempted fur til get a statement frae a source close to the security forces, but a dinnae know their nummer. 

Saturday, 23 April 2011

TUV Election Broadcast, 2011.

A rarely seen TUV election broadcast, foun' in the archives o' the University o' Mid Antrim's Media an' Arseholes Studies Department. Ach Ah was bored an' hungover.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

How fur til make an Election Broadcast

It saims til me thit there is a wild lat o' these things knackin' aboot this year, an' tae be hanest Ah cannae be arsed keepin' up wi the translations. Ah've therefower tuk a look at the lat o' them, an' made yis a handy guide til allow yis tae make yer own at hame. This will allow me til move on til mair pressin' matters, like the Royal Weddin', an' drink.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Shinner Broadcast 2011

Jays but these broadcasts are hard tae keep up wi'. Ah am sorry fur ma failure til maintain wi' ma pubic service remit, Ah shud his hid this thing up a week ago, ut as mentioned before,Ah spilt beer all o'er the affice laptap. Anyhow Ah hiv duly added subtitles fur the hard o' thinkin' an in daein sae noticed a mair than passin' resemblence til last years yin. Ye kin decide fur yerselves whither paliticians jist keep feedin' us the same auld shite o'er an' o'er.

O'er matters.

Lovely Lesley won the pole, an so she shud. Ah hape thit this is a sign o' future election success roun' the corner. Howiver Jim McDonald remains incarcerated in the Big Hoose, somethin' must be done. By somebudy.

Friday, 15 April 2011

Free the Weatherfield Wan

"Freeee, eee, Nelson Mandela," was, Ah think, the chorus o' an advert fur Special K back in the 1980s, a gift affer unsurpassed by any o'er breakfast cereal in racent times. Now Ah ate a wile lat o' Special K in the hope o' findin' one in the bax, an' neither gat an iconic South African laider nor indeed the figure o' a curvy hen in a red dress, furiver makin' be doubtful o' the claims o' advertisments, but Ah digress.

Mair importantly yet again a great icon o' the madurn era fines himself incarcerated, lanquishin' behine bars unner an' oppressive regime. Aye, Ah am sad til say thit Big Jim McDonald frae Coronation Street his bin lifted.

"Fur why," yis may ask, "Shud we concern oorselves wi' a character oan the wireless television when there is an election on?" an' Ah concede in maist cases ye might hiv a point. Big Jim, howiver, transcends mere soap stardom, he is a cultural beacon fur all things Ulster. Some, mainly messel admittedly, view him as a latter day metaphor fur the position o' the Ulster Scot in these troubled times. Moody; incoherent; usually half cut; occasionally violent, he is ne'ertheless blindingly loyal til an English harlot whit wud sell him doon the river at the first appurtunity. As such he demands oor respect an attention, so he does, an' oor support in his oor o' naid.

Aware as Ah am o' ma ain cultural significance an' influence, Ah wud like til use this fourum fur til urge ma high level raiders frae the palitical an' media classes til fine the time til take up Big Jims cause. Til youse Unionists oot there, Ah wud remine ye thit Big Jim served in her Majesty's Armed Forces wi' distinction, an indaid Ah vaguely remember an' exchange wi' Betty Turpin where he said he'd like til be hame fur the parades. Ma Nationalist fallyers shud nat be dissuaded by this, fur Jim is o' coorse an Irishman helt unner the evils o' the British penile system. As such he deserves the support o' folk frae all sections o' oor community, a great man is suffering an' we must come to his aid, his only crime is rubbery.

Conveniently a Facebuk Group has been created til this very end by some boy or o'er, an' Ah urge yis all til join it, so Ah do.

The Election.

Ah'm aware thit ma coverage his fallen by the wayside  this last week or so, this wus doon til technical difficulties raither than pure bone idleness. Basically Ah cowped a beer o'er ma laptap an' haff the keys wudnae wurk. Ah considered postin' usin' oany twa vowels but it appeared til make even less sense than usual. Fortunately ma crisis management skills kicked in, after a week, an' Ah hid the brainwave o' buyin' a keyboord rather than an entirely new computational device. Thus Ah intend fur til have a wee gander at the Shinner broadcast later oan, if Ah can stay sober an' awake lang enough.

Saturday, 9 April 2011

UUP Broadcast 2011

A finer collection o' folk his rarely bin gathered taegither fur yin amateurish piece o' shite. Is the Shinner yin oot yit? Ah micht hiv missed it, due til bein' at wurk when Ah shudnae be. Nae Lesley in this. Ah was quite lukkin' fairwurd til watchin' her o'er an' o'er agin. Hapefully she'll be in the next one, lukkin' lovely.

Friday, 8 April 2011

Lovely Girls Competition.

Acoordin' til the palitical parties, this election is tae be differn frae previous years. Nae mair auld shite aboot the border, this yin will centre on real issues, like health, educkation, jabs an' self promotion in the hope o' gettin' back handers from praperty develapers. Thus as voters we are entitled fur til focus in on whit matters til us, namely the general attractiveness o' the candidates, an' use oor franchise based oan which o' them we fancy the arse aff. Nae mair can the Shinners hide behine Bairbre de Bruin's crinkly face, or the UUP rely on Daphne Trimble's ample charms, Ulster people demand mair glamour. In order fur til assist yis, Ah hiv hid a luk at all the party candidates, an' considered which o' them Ah wud affer a lift hame til after a dance down the hall. Some o' them wudnae be allowed intil the hall tae be fair, an' the chances are Ah'd be tae pished til drive them, but anyway, this is the best Ulster palitics can affer. 


Magdelena Wolska:
Magdalena, she's the yin in the middle.
Ah'm nat exactly pickin' frae a broad field here, since despite bein' led by wee Margaret, oany 3 o' their 28 candidates are hens. In any o'er country this wud cause a scandal o' epic proportions, but here weemin knae their place, so it disnae. Magdelena is originally frae Poland, so Ah'm nat sure whither she wud be allowed intil an Orange Hall oor nat, sometimes exceptions are made for foreigns, even if they are the o'er surt. Ah hiv examined her profile carefully, an reckon she might be o' Ulster Scots extraction, gien her inability to use coherent sentence construction. "She is passionate about improving a promotion of Northern Ireland in (to) Poland and the image of Poland in Northern Ireland what will create jobs for the many people who are currently out of work." 


Nae naminations: The Alliance dinnae put photies oan their information aboot candidates bit o' their wabsite, an' Ah cannae be arsed lookin' them all up. Insteid they gie us whit appears tae be a cut an' paste frae a wurd document, wi' nae information whitsaeiver. They dae hiv 7 weemen standin' so by the law of averages* at laist one o' them might be wurth a jive, but a lack o' photies mains they are ruled oot o' the race. 

* Law o' averages re Norn Iron weemen states thit fur every 7 wimmin ye meet 1 will be a Bible weildin' Christian wi' scary eyes, 3 will be slappers wi' neck tattoos an' mad shoes, 2 will be the size o' Belgium an' 1 will be wurth a coort. 


Wee Michelle, wi a fleg.
Wi' nae fewer than 44 candidates, the DUPers manage 7 weemen, an' there are a few fine lookin' cuddies lurkin' in the ranks. Ah was tempted by Ruth Patterson, fur she has a fair auld fake tan oan her, but Ah cannae gae past wee Michelle McIlveen. Wi' her wee red jacket, which is niver aff her, an' her salidly Ulster Scots surname, she has been a source o' attraction tae me fur some time. Accordin' til her wabsite, she regularly updates it wi' speeches an' the like, an' it wud appear she last gat aff her arse oan the 7th o' Febury to welcome a new futpath. Well done Michelle. 

Incidentally Ah cannae provide any links here, fur the DUP wabsite has the same address fur every page. Ah amnae tae sure how they dae it, an' wudnae want til accuse them o' bein' control freaks or the like. 

Ma Bell.

Inexplicably the Shinners hivnae updated their wabsite since the Free State elections, sae Ah cannae really consider the full list o' hens stannin' but Ah did pass an election poster fur Michelle O'Neill the o'er day, an' thunk til messel, "Ah micht, even if she is the o'er surt." She saims like a dacent auld spud, mad fur canals an rural things, so Ah can imagine long walks in the country, where she says things like.... 'The need for a locally accountable democratic assembly which reflects the views of the indigenous population in its policy making, is a necessity for the people 
of the six counties," an' Ah say, "Richt pet, whit's fur ma tay?"


Thosuns o' yis oot their whit hiv bin fallyin' this shite fur a lock o' years will be aware thit Ah hiv lang syne carried a torch fur Iris Rabinson. In ma watery eyes, she wus the epitomy o' Ulster weemenhood, beautiful, yet stern, intelligent, yet mad as a box o' hammers. Howiver, she has been replaced in ma affections by the delectable Lesley Macaulay, UUP candidate fur Aist Londonderry. Turns oot she's married, but nathin' is insurmountable til the concerted efforts o' a stalker like messel. Ah try til stay palitically neutral, but wud quite happily affer til canvass wi' young Lesley roun' the rural roads o' the Nairth West, perhaps stappin' til pick flowers an' skip beside a wee burn. She'd hiv til drive mind ye, fur Ah wud want the odd pint, though Ah suppose she cud hiv a poke in a layby. 

A pole has been provided fur yis til choose the object o' yer affections, an' afore yis get oantil me, this is nat sexist, there is a serious point aboot weemen's participation in Ulster pailitics tae be made, but nat by me. Ah wud dae a Lovely Man Election Competition, but they're all brute ugly. 

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

DUP Election Broadcast 2011

Ah'm glad til say that the broadcasts are back up an runnin'. The new DUP one was brung til ma attention, an' Ah fully intended fur til provide yis with a high falutin' palitical cammentary. Howiver the action oan screen was tae distractin', sae Ah hiv nae idea whit the boy was witterin' oan aboot in the backgroun'. Anyway, Ah've hid a luk at it, an' hape yis fine it useful in decidin' how til vote.