Monday, 31 August 2009

Free State Google

New Campaign

Yin ' oor correspondents (fur we dae hiv a cupple) spatted an interestin', an' indaid shackin', story oan the BBC website the o'er day. Ah'm sure he wis as bewildered as ah wus when he read it, but luckily he gat in touch wi' oorselves an' we hiv a chance tae put it richt.

It appears thit themuns in the Google hiv created an Irish Language service, fur use by yins in the Free State. Ah knaw thit the alarm bells will be ringin' fur yis already. Whar, we ask, is the Guid Friday agreed, legally required Ulster Scots equivilant?  As Norn Iron's largest an' laist sectarian Ulster Scots web thing we hiv taken up the challenge an hiv e-screeded til the folk at Free State Google. Oor response is below, ah wid urge awl oor raiders til dae likewise. (

Time wastin'.

Ah wis playin' Spider Solitaire the o'er day, when ah happened tae luk at the statistics. It saims thit ah' hiv lost 14768 games o' it, whilst winnin' 1588. This gives a total o' 16356 games. If an average game takes yin minute, thy'on mains ah hiv spent 272.6 hours playin Spider Solitaire. Combine thit wi' time spent writin' this, lukkin at futball scores an' examinin' Busty Ballymena (fur research purposes oany) yid soon wurk oot thit ah hiv wasted ma hole life an naid tae fine o'er interests. Ah intend til dae sae soon, but in the maintime ah wus wunnerin' if any o' yis oot thar his wasted as much time oan crap computer card games?


Ah'm enjoyin' the fleg countin' thing at the battom o' the sidebar. It noo his mair flegs than Sandy Row in July, A fair smatterin' o' Union Jacks alang wi' a rake o' Free State yins fur the bonefire.


We are indaid culturally significant. We knew thit already, but its guid fur til hiv it confirmed by oor raidership.

Thursday, 27 August 2009

Televisual Feastin'

Anyyin oot thar wha fallies Norn Iron television will be fully aware thit the sae called British Braidcastin' Corporation, an' its equally misnomered Ulster Television, are genrally nat the fren' o' the Ulster Scot. Ah hiv bin secreedin til boath channels fur the past thrie days, an' it saims yin o' thim his finally tuk heed o' ma wurds. We here at 1690 kin exclusively (ah think) announce a braw new show oan the BBC, yin designed til both promote the culture an' heritage o the Ulster Scot, wile at the same time fosterin' peace an reconciliation throughoot oor lawnd.....

Presented by tap Ulster Scots TV presentin mawn, Bruce Forsyth (twa surnames, the sign o' the true Scot), an some blonde hen thit ah dinnae recognise but quite like the luk af, this new show will bring taegither folk frae across the various complicated divides thit afflict oor province. The exact fowermat hisnae bin revailed, but ah am reliably informed it will involve odd folk dancin' til some o' the tap Orange Tunes o' the Nineteenth centry.
As Ulster's tap vaguely cultural site we hiv bin givin' exclusive access til the pairins fur the yinst series. Ah hope yi'll excuse me if a gae a wee bit Blind Date here.....

Cupple Yin.

Silent Sammy will be daein' his best til cause a bit o' Global Warmin fur husky Catriona this weekend. Will she gie him the 11+? (Cannae see it messel, fur a hen like thy'on naids a reel mawn, yin wi a bunker maybes)

Cupple Twa

"Fly me til the Moon" says oor mawn, "Nat in Strangford", says Iris...Will Gay Pride interfere wi' cupple nummer twa?

Cupple Thrie
Twa angry men.


Furgat the pole. Cudnae be arsed thinkin' oan a new yin. Sae far, we're culturally important. Ah voted Pish messel.


Hisnae bin furgat, ah've confused messel o'er the heid o' Christianity, but ah will git back tae it when ah've hid time til think.

Saturday, 22 August 2009


Ye ken Spam? Normally ah ignore it, but ah want til live wi Fernando Jude, wha' e-screeded me taenicht.

"Hello ,I saw your profile on the web for the Flat wanted.If you would be interested, I have a nice beautifull 3 bed-room Flat for rent. I am an easy-going person, love to meet new people, most especially foreign visitors. It's a very secure place to live,a free environment to interact with neighbours if you want. A close place to many Social amenities. Full of home recreational facilities like swimming pool, snookers table and each room connected to a free internet Access.I was looking for three flat mates to occupy the home in which one of the aprtment has been occupied, you can email back on this id ................"

Ah reckon he micht be an Ulster Scot, fur he refers tae a "Snookers table".

Ah didnae want a flat. Ah wis happy enough livin' in the the back arse o' naewhar but thy'on souns grate. Ye widnae catch me near the pool mind, fur folk pish in them.

Thursday, 20 August 2009


As revailed in the last instawlment, we hiv accidentally wun a prize in a palitical blog competition. We thunk lang an' hard as tae how we iver gat involved in the competition in the yinst place, but then Wullie McIlveen admitted he gat pished an' put oor name intil thy'on Total Palitics site. As such paliticly registered folk, 1690 is therefower, prabably, oblaged tae dail wi' palitical things, even though we are officially banned frae dae'in it by yin o' oor European funn'ers.

Ah, fur yin, hate palitics in Norn Iron, it is genrally practised by arse folk wha left skool wi' a CSE Grade Yin in Lukkin' Hard Studies oor else went til University tae study farmin', cudnae make oany frens, sae joint a palitical party tae git sum, didnae, but nivertheless ended up an MLA. Howiver wi' oor new foun' status as a palitical blog ah hiv lukked at the news fur the yinst time in ages. Obviously blogs are meant til break unknain news tales, but ah cannae be arsed, sae ah lukked at the BBC instied.

Story Yin

The arseembly are sortin' oot thar digital TV coverage. Ah assume this will allow us awl tae luk at Sir Reg Empy in HD. Nat really a story ah'll grant ye, but did oany o' yis iver luk at it oan analogue?

Story Twa

Nat the yin aboot the Carrick postmen, wha' must be rushed aff thar feet, but LUK, 15 new jobs!! West o' the Bann! Mental oor whit? Some o' them micht even be legal.

15!! Imagine, 15 new jobs. At last the East/West employment divide in Norn Iron is broke.

Story Thrie

GAA has Republican sympathies, says DUP man.

Guid, an' indaid shackin' story. Mair tae the point though, ah thunk at yinst thy'on wis a picture o' Gerry Adams.


Thy'ons the best ah kin dae, frae the noo ah' hiv withdrawn frae bein' palitical, fur it is ballix.

Americans extra

Fur oor American audience - the best news wiv hid in ages.

Monday, 17 August 2009

Ye hiv wun tenth prize in a beauty contest.

Yisturday wis a maist interestin' day fur oorselves, wi' a sudden rake o' visitors tae the site. Closer investigation by the IT staff revailed thit wid bin listed on Total Palitics as yin o' the tap ten blogs in Norn Iron. Nummer 10 admittedly, but we wur feelin' richt an' plaised wi' oorselves. As the wurld's fowermaist Ulster Scots interweb thing, yid think we'd be used tae such glamour, but even sae it's nice til be recognised.

Howiver further examination o' the accolade his left us a bit let doon. Fur yin thing, the prize wis gie oot by Total Palitics, whereas 1690 is a Kultural an' Histerical site. If wid bin tap ten oan Total Histerics it wid hiv bin mair appropriate. Then we examined the site itsel'. Turns oot thars oany 24 Norn Iron sites oan it, sae its a wile lat harder tae be ootside the tap twenny than in it.

But nat tae wurry, ye micht say, fur a wile lock o' new folk hiv the noo discovered the hameplace o' Ulster Scots oan the web. It his tae be said thit we hiv bin through such false dawns befair. Generally awl the new folk luk at it yince an' gae back tae Busty Ballymena (When Braid gurls git bad) oor similar. Howiver if oany o' yis dae stay oan ye micht want til raid How til Spake Ulster Scots.


Oan the upside, yin o' the new folk left us a comment wi' the last post, yin which his gie me a braw new advertisin' slogan (up at the tap richt.) It his alsae inspired oor pole fur the week.


Ah've stole the Fleg thing doon the bottom o' the page aff John Henry's site. Interestinly it revails jist how widespread the Ulster Scots diaspora is - takin' in such far flung spats as Kenya, Malaysia, Finland an' the Free State. Nat yin o' these visitors his foun' us by accident ah'm sure, awl o' them are searchin' fur thar Ulster Scots roots.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Mair Buiks

Hivin' hiv gat started explorin' oan the wurld o' Ulster Scots Buiks, ah gat a bit addicted an foun' a couple o o'ers.

Yin: Big Lang Danner.

Ah am fur ignorin' awl passible innuendaes, but ask ye jist tae sit back an admire the front cover.

Twa: The Auld Orange Tree .

Aside frae the front cuver, jist raid the description.

"The story of an American bookseller, of Ulster ancestry, who moves back across the Atlantic with his wife to open a tea-shop in the small, closely-knit community of Kirkreeba - a move which brings unforeseen personal consequences. "

Souns guid?

Thrie: Bab M' Keen

Ah hiv nae idea whit this yin micht be aboot, but whit a grate name?

Ah love Ulster Scots buiks.

Saturday, 15 August 2009


Nat a real post, fur ah'm hungover agin. This is a praper buik, nat somethin' ah made up wi photaeshap. Ah thunk yis micht like til see it. Nat sure whar ye kin buy it mind.
Video Gamin'
The boys at Micrasaft hiv bin in touch, thiv added a new feature til Flute Hero (belaw). Ye kin opt tae be yin o' the slappers wha' carry the flegs at the front, simply by haulin' the Wee remote oot in front o' ye an' wavin' frae side tae side at the loud bits. Extra points are awarded fur luve bites.

Monday, 10 August 2009

Video Gamin'

It micht come as a surprise til a lock o' yis oot thar, but thar are a wheen o' media type folk wha regard Ulster Scots as some kindae deid langwidge, oany practised by auld folk an' the illiterate. It gaes wi'oot sayin' thit this is ballix. Even fur bye the panoply o' intellectual hevyweichts thit contribute tae this website, thar is a team o' tap computer folk wurkin' hard at developin' video games thit will bring oor kulture tae both a yunger, better lukkin', an' indaid wurld wide audience.


The Carrickfergus based company Micrasaft hiv put taegither a rake o' games thit imploy the latest in computer things til bring the rich wurld o' the Ulster Scot tae life. They expek a nummer yin hit in the aist Antrim region wi' Flute Hero. Loosely based oan Gitar Hero, this game uses the Nintendae Wee's technology tae allae ye tae play alang wi' some o' the gratest Loyalist tunes o' the last 400 years. It includes auld favourites like the Sash, Derry's Walls, the Sash an' Derry's Walls.


If ye buy the add-on - Parade Idol - ye kin use a unique version o' the Wee's dance mat - the march mat - fur til allow ye tae try tae keep in step alang sum o' Ulster's maist famous routes, includin' Moira, Lisbellaw, Newtownstewart an' that yin thit the Independent Lodge gae tae ivrey year whar naebudy iver luks at them. Extra points are awarded fur Tennants lager consumption befair the haim leg. Kin ye haul a tune oan the upslope in Rathfriland?

The oany disappointin' level is Drumcree, fur the game keeps shuttin' doon.

In development, o' coorse, is a Lambeg version, but the company is hivin' a few teethin' prablems wi' the cuttin' edge goat skin simulation technology.


Crisps fur breakfast by the luks of it.

Thursday, 6 August 2009

Bit Elevin Part Twa - Christianity Agin

The mair observent amung yis will hiv come tae the conklusion thit ah micht hiv o'erstretched messel in Bit Elevin Point Yin. "Due tae a basic lack o' research oan Christianity", ye micht hiv thunk, "this sae caul Professor his embarked oan a flicht o' 'Da Vinci' code related fancy, prabably enduced by sevral cans o' stout, oor the like." Ye cudnae be mair wrang. Fur it awl as true as Gawd......

Blud (Caul)

The last time ah met yis ah hid jist foun' the body o' the Rev Dr Dougie Muldrew, clearly murdered in caul blud by yin o' the O'er Sort, Opus Dei scrawled acrass his coller.


"Naw" ah yelled fur a wheen o' seconds, befair ah heard a thud at the dour. "Open up ye boy ye!" came the cry, "Its the RUC/PSNI oor whitiver wir called these days. Let us in befair we gae hame til oor tae, an a few pints in the Downshire later oan. Fur we hiv guns, an' cross community support noo!"


"Jaisus", ah thunk, "Ah'm fur done fur. Nat oany am ah alone in a Bible college wi' a murdered mawn, but ah hiv nae chance o' slippin' oe'r the border an' claimin' mental asylum, fur ah am a Prod." Luckily ma auld army trainin' came tile the fower. Ah lep til ma feet an ran straight fur a windae. Crashin' through ah landed clean at the feet o' a shapely French (fur nae apparent raison aside frae vague Da Vinci Code references, which ah red yince, aboot thrie years ago, an the noo cannae rememer but am basin' this entire episode oan.) crime scene investigator. "Key est Vous, "she said, fur she wis French (see abuve), "An whit est vous daen' leppin oot o' a crime scene windae?"


"Ah've nae choice" ah thunk. Grabbin the French hen as a hoastage, ah dragged her taeward ma motor. "Yer cummin' wi me, ye gurl ye! " ah shouted, "fur Dougie Muldrew his bin done o'er, an' ah'm fur avengin." Ah threw her intae the front seat o' Mrs McWilliamses Mitsubishi, efter openin' the door fur her obviously, putt her sate belt oan, an' ran roun' the oe'r side. Then ah climbed in messel, but nat befair keekin' ma boots oan the wheel fur tae git the muck aff, fur hersel is wile partikular. (Detail is the key til a good story)


"Je knaw vous, " she said as we sped through the Armagh countryside. "Vous is the famous Professeur, Billie McWilliams, the quatre-most expert oan awl things Ulster-Ecosse in the Wurld." Ah cudnae argue wi thyo'n. "Whit aboot it, Cuddy?" ah snarled, fur ah wis a bit pished aff by this stage, "Ma pawl his bin kilt, an' ah'm the nummer yin suspek." Ah pawsed, considerin' the dire straits ah foun' messel in....

"Ah am the noo oan the run, an' hiv oany yin clue wha cud clear ma name - the letters V M."

Nixt Time

Whitiver ah kin make up, dependin' oan drink.


Ah near furgat, an ah rarely venture intae the palitics these days - but oor Sammy, Minister fur awl oor money, his foun' hissel in a spot o' buther agin. He appears tae hiv strayed intae the wurld o' immigration. If ah wis his adviser ah'd say "Thrie Wurds nuddy boy - Plantation o' Ulster."

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

Jist a pole fur nathin his occured.


Nathin' his happened this week sae far fur me tae report, exept thit the healthy types in ma wurk giv oot tae me fur hivin' pickled onion Monster Munch fur breakfast. Whit wis ah tae dae? Ah wis oan the road tae early fur the sausage baps tae be ready in the petrol station! Ah believe themuns in wurk tae be wrang, an' thit corn based snacks are an essential part o' a balanced diet. Thus ah hiv added a pole wi a simple aye/naw anser.

Ah hiv included this food groups graphic frae the Hame Economics Dept o' Lisnafiffy Creationist College tae see if it helps yer deliberations.


Aside frae thy'on ah'm glad tae see thit Gary an' Danielle gat thar jist deserts in the last pole. Ah hiv e-screeded the results tae the BBC tae see if they'll take it aff. Incidentally ma BBC contak replied tae the e-screed thit ah mentioned in the comments a wheen o' posts ago. Awl she said wis thit she cudnae be arsed watchin' it hersel.

Fur Sale.

Wi' the new auld car oan the road ah'm stuck wi the aulder auld yin. Dis oanybody want til buy a 1994 Mitsubishi Pajero import wi' 265,000 Kilometres oan it? It his a crack in the windscreen an' the aerial willnae gae doon but thars a fair bit o' towin' left in the auld yoke. Shid dae a boy wi' a few acres an' access tae red diesel fur a lock o' miles yit.

Mad foreign stuff.

Ah jist found this.


Ah made a banner thing fur the tap. Whit dae yis think oan it?
(Think ah naid til luk at it agin. It luks grawnd oan ma laptap, but crap oan ma auld desktap - ah cannae git a hannle oan this IT thing at awl.)